EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
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Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.