Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
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[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.