My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
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me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.