Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
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Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!