Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
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kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Cat.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?