Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
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My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
cat vs inanimate object
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
My neck, my back, my…
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though