Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
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“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
lmao
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.