Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
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daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
My dad.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.