EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
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My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach