Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
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When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Terribly Tuesday.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use