I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
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You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
The cashier just checked me out.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Life cycle of cat
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
New menu item
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.