EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
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ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”