Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
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It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.