Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
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Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Aight bet
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT