@yeetztweetz: my mom: you need to call and make that appointment yourself me: actually i’m okay. i really only need one good ankle

@Sickayduh: When life tosses me a football, I'm the ref who's not looking and everyone laughs when I get booped in the face

@punmagnate: If you're unsure if you're pregnant or not that's called a maby

@noneofyours99: Texts son - to come and hand me my drink 5 feet away God he's lazy, took him ten minutes to reply

@lazerdoov: Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything! Friend: cool Me: yeah even blood Friend: um I gotta go Me: lol no you're staying