Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
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I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
The opposite of goth is stopth.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Does beer think about me too?
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.