Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
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pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
a fate I wish upon no one
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂