Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
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Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.