Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
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“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I’m sure it’s fine.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.