Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
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LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”