Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
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Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
choose your gary
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Monday
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria