Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
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Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad