@LeahKnauer: "exorcise" and "exercise" sound alike because they're both the work of the Devil
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@lisaOoOo: I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It's like they don't know I plan on cropping them out later.
@lloydrang: 1970s: "Hey baby" 1990s: "Hey babe" 2014: "Hey bae" 2020: "Hey b" 2030: "All hail our glorious squirrel overlords"
@iwearaonesie: if you want your wife to take you seriously, don't throw your sippy cup during an argument
@CrackYouWhip: I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.