@LeahKnauer: "exorcise" and "exercise" sound alike because they're both the work of the Devil
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@Trustedshoe: Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night. Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo? Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
@ArfMeasures: MOM: I don't care how old you are, you'll always be my baby ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
@Shock_Monster: Hostess: Table for one? Me: More like TABLE FOR FUN, AMIRITE? Hostess: ... Me: ... Hostess: ... Me: Yes, one please.
@fixyourcompass: My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with 'Star Wars'. I said: May divorce be with you...