I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
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Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Well, that should do it
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me