EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
You Might Also Like
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I just ran a .003048K
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Every work meeting this week
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee