[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
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[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Story of my life…..
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
I wish this was real life…
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
What?!?
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.