@JaneBadall: Expecting an idiot to admit they're wrong feels a lot like trying to put socks on an octopus.
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@brennadine: "How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars," I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
@daemonic3: [on date] HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying "I could care less" ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it's "I could care fewer"
@stephenjmolloy: Undertaker: "What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?" Wife: "Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one."