@JaneBadall: Expecting an idiot to admit they're wrong feels a lot like trying to put socks on an octopus.
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@JermHimselfish: The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
@dorkwing_duck: The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it's me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
@ShittyComedian: So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn't Santa. LOL drugs.
@AndrewNadeau0: HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast. ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now. HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you. ME: For tomorrow?