@JaneBadall: Expecting an idiot to admit they're wrong feels a lot like trying to put socks on an octopus.
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@MarioInAZ: Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I'm chubby.
@radtoria: Fastening a pendant around my son's neck before dying for him, "Keep this always. The audience won't recognize you as an adult without it"
@jonnysun: DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
@XplodingUnicorn: Texas principal: If that's a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it? Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.