Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
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ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Love is always patient and kind.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie