@JaneBadall: Expecting an idiot to admit they're wrong feels a lot like trying to put socks on an octopus.
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@PimpBillClinton: To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on.
@Brianhopecomedy: "Daddy, do you like princesses?" "Yes." "Why?" "Well usually they have a nice set of ti-" Wife: "Shut it." "I WILL NOT LIE TO MY SON."
@atthecubicle: Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It's pretty solid.
@anagramps: *hot lady looks at me* Me: Hi! Do I know you? Lady: No I think I'm mistaken. *awkward pause* Me: So...is there a mister taken? *hit by bus*