I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
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sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.