“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
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Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.