Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
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I’M CRYINGGG
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.