*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
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When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
The happy life.. 😊
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends