Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
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british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*