Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
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Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!