Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
You Might Also Like
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Spring of Deception
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
need him
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.