I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
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If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed