Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Somewhere in an alternate universe
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more