explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
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So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Chicago sounds lovely.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese