explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
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whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Breaking news:
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
When someone trying to leave me
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
But is it really??
sigh
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle