[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
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I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite