[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
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To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.