[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I’ve been drinking.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.