[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
You Might Also Like
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I only treason on days ending in y
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!