EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
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Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
cause of death:
autopsy.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there