EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
You Might Also Like
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms