This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
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I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
how to exercise your calf muscles
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.