Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
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my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*