@noog: Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
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@kyry5: [first day on the job as a drug dealer] *giggles* "We don't have coke, is Pepsi ok?" *gets stabbed*
@withanewname: [flash mob in front of me & my girl] [I join in then kneel down gasping] "Will you.." "YES!... YE.." "grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?"
@WeissBrandon: Oh no sir, that shark wasn't attacking me, my wife was yelling at me from the shore so I was just trying to swim into his mouth.
@Ygrene: [Being murdered] (with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)