[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
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Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.