Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
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4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.