*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
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Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I like long walks away from everyone
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”