Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
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*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
True freaking story!
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.